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Thursday, June 01, 2006
Awful News
I debated not blogging this, but I have to because it has impacted me so profoundly.
I just got word that Stef's sister, who had been missing for some ambiguous amount of time (I was not kept in the loop), was found dead this morning. Apparently suicide.
She wasn't my sister, and wasn't going to be my in-law for much longer, but I cared for K very much. She'd gone through so much in the last several years and seemed to be doing really well, so happy, optimistic and full of life. This is a complete shock to me, not even knowing she'd been missing and not knowing if there'd been warning signs.
I haven't talked to Stef--relatives in St Louis and Grant at the ranch, who promises to keep me updated, called me. I know she's an absolute wreck, though, and I am extremely worried about her. I also am heartbroken for their mom and dad and for K's husband.
This afternoon I have plans with my friend G and her daughter, which I am still going to follow through on (NTodd's Pa's Wife admonished me to), but I ain't gonna be online for a while regardless. I am so very sad.
ntodd
PS--I podcasted right after the London bombings last July--listening to that one right now--and I feel just like I did on that horrible day. Well, worse, actually, but you get the idea. My wife told me at the time that she thought it was probably my best, most powerful cast.
The fantasia I used in that show is by Ralph Vaughan Williams. Whenever I think of Williams, I remember my very early e-mail exchanges with Stefanie--one in particular, where I'd pedantically noted that 'Ralph' was pronounced 'Rafe' which made her scoff, "Rafe, indeed." I think that's when I realized I'd fallen in love with her.
So it's only fitting to listen to the Thomas Tallis theme as I think of happier times when the future promised us all a great deal.
[Update: thank you everybody for the kindness you've shown me, Stef and her family--I've passed your condolences on. I spoke to her a couple times today and we're all grieving and don't have much information right now to help get any sense of understanding or closure. Obviously that will take time. Peace.]
June 1, 2006 | Permalink
Comments
Words (especially typed) fail... and you'll need to find better counselors than me (don't cope alone). I, too, have known people who've made this choice--one with serenity, another in anger: both disturbing to the survivors.
...hugs all around.
Posted by: Darryl Pearce | Jun 1, 2006 11:51:58 AM
Oh NTodd. I am so sorry.
Posted by: ellroon | Jun 1, 2006 12:14:24 PM
Sorry for your loss. Our thoughs and prayers go out to you. Hang in there.
Posted by: Mark | Jun 1, 2006 12:18:09 PM
So sorry to hear that. I wish you and those around you all the best in what I'm sure is a very difficult situation. I'll be thinking of you and anxiously awaiting your return.
Again, I'm so sorry to hear that.
Posted by: mg | Jun 1, 2006 12:20:22 PM
my heart goes out to you and yours. courage.
Posted by: r@d@r | Jun 1, 2006 12:28:12 PM
So sorry for the tragic loss, and sorry that you're splitting up. My thoughts are with you.
Posted by: Hubris | Jun 1, 2006 12:33:04 PM
NTodd, that is tragic beyond words. Please know that all of us will be thinking of you.
Posted by: Steve Bates | Jun 1, 2006 12:33:28 PM
Heartfelt condolences to you and to Stef and her family. What a terrible thing to have happen...
Posted by: Scooter | Jun 1, 2006 12:47:47 PM
Todd, Very sorry about your loss. Condolences to you all. Prayers with you. Stay strong.
Posted by: karmicjay | Jun 1, 2006 12:59:32 PM
You need a trip to Colorado. When you are feeling up to it, of course.
One of my very first encounters with death was a suicide- my uncle shot himself when I was 11 years old. It's a really hard thing to grieve . . . I know that on one hand you go through what you'd go through with any death and on the other hand you are angry with the person for leaving you and everyone else like that.
So . . . if you need an ear (or eyes, I suppose, in our little e-world) I'm here.
Posted by: Vestal Vespa | Jun 1, 2006 1:03:33 PM
Deepest condolences, brah. Damn, this shit is truly fucked up. Support, man. . .lots of it.
As always, mad respect.
Posted by: munkihaid | Jun 1, 2006 1:11:03 PM
NTodd,
I am so sorry. Be at peace, my friend.
Posted by: NYMary | Jun 1, 2006 1:13:39 PM
Hugs to you and those you love. I'm so sorry for your loss. Take time to take care of yourself. Slow down and remember to breathe. Paz y luz.
Posted by: piegrrrl | Jun 1, 2006 1:29:30 PM
I am deeply sorry NTodd for your loss and for Stef's and her family's loss. I hope you all find a moment of quiet and some peace.
Posted by: rugo | Jun 1, 2006 1:55:02 PM
one of my best friends suicided about a year ago. I am very sorry that this happened. Peace
Posted by: sightunseen | Jun 1, 2006 1:55:34 PM
Please accept my sincere sympathy.
Posted by: mnkid | Jun 1, 2006 2:10:05 PM
NTodd:
I'm so very very sorry for you and for Stef and her family.
I've had personal experience with this and still remember all the shock and pain and anger and helplessness and guilt that I felt at the time.
And the questions. Which never go away, I don't think.
I'll be thinking of you. And sending all the love and good karma I can your way.
Posted by: flory | Jun 1, 2006 2:11:22 PM
hey man, peace.
and hang out with some one.
Posted by: charley | Jun 1, 2006 2:27:56 PM
So sorry to read of your loss.
There is never a why.
Posted by: Holden Caulfield | Jun 1, 2006 2:28:05 PM
Oh, that's terrible.
I'm so sorry.
.
Posted by: spork_incident | Jun 1, 2006 2:28:58 PM
Oh, I am so very sorry for the loss that you are all suffering, Todd. My prayers go out to Stef and her family and to you.
Posted by: watertiger | Jun 1, 2006 2:30:46 PM
I am sad to read of your loss
my thoughts are with you
Posted by: Moonbootica | Jun 1, 2006 2:31:36 PM
Sorry for your loss. I wish there was more to say.
Posted by: JeffCO | Jun 1, 2006 2:34:31 PM
I'm so sorry. Give The Boyz extra hugs...they'll understand somehow.
Posted by: M.K. | Jun 1, 2006 2:34:32 PM
I'm so sorry, dear.
Something similar happened in my own life. (Reading the comments, it's painful to realize how many of us can say that, isn't it?)
All I can say is, you and Stef mustn't blame yourselves. No one can ever tell what will prove to be the last straw for a fragile person, or when it will come--or if it will come at all.
Posted by: Ivytree | Jun 1, 2006 2:45:11 PM
I'm so sorry for all of you. Peace to you all.
Posted by: shayera | Jun 1, 2006 2:46:29 PM
Oh, that is so sad, N. Splitting with Steph is sad. May not-sadness come your way and everyone's way.
Posted by: lea-p | Jun 1, 2006 2:46:38 PM
*sniffle*
My condolences to you, Stef and her family.
I'm sorry.
Posted by: skiddie | Jun 1, 2006 3:11:08 PM
All our sympathies.
Posted by: Zach & Karyl | Jun 1, 2006 3:22:55 PM
My deepest condolences for your loss.
Posted by: Morse | Jun 1, 2006 3:39:35 PM
i wish i had some constructive advice for you...because you're technically no longer "related" you must be unsure of how to react, how to grieve...
do what feels right to you and remember everybody's here for you.
Posted by: dan mcenroe | Jun 1, 2006 3:46:29 PM
nTodd:
I'm so sorry. You, Stef and her family are in my thoughts.
Do not ask yourself what you or anyone else could have done. I say this, not from the perspective of someone who'switnessed this, but from someone who was almost your sister-in-law.
It's natural to feel badly that you didn't understand it, or didn't see it. But it wasn't what you did or didn't understand or see that had this happen. That was completely separate from you or Stef or anyone else.
It isn't about anything anyone could have done. No one can imagine the pain inside that makes you so blind to everyone, including those you love. Even to yourself. The people around such a person think they could have done something. To a point, maybe. But... To a point, no. When you want to do it, you find the way. All that ever really saved me, in the end, was myself and those instances are too painful to recount here.
Pity the pain. Grieve for the loss of someone you loved, for of course you loved her and will miss her. But do not blame yourself for could haves and should haves.
Posted by: LJ/Aquaria | Jun 1, 2006 4:07:30 PM
So sorry, so sad.
Posted by: eva | Jun 1, 2006 4:09:28 PM
Sorry to hear of your loss, NT. Holler if there's anything I can do to help.
Posted by: Michael | Jun 1, 2006 4:10:26 PM
Ah shit.
Sorry.
Take care.
Posted by: spocko | Jun 1, 2006 4:19:28 PM
I'm so sorry.
Death is such a shitty thing to deal with for the people left behind.
Take care of yourself. Being with the boyz will help. Pets and children are great to be around in times like these.
Posted by: geoduck2 | Jun 1, 2006 4:25:50 PM
The sky just opened up here, thunder and lightning. We are all so small, yet we are all connected. Life does seem so fragile sometimes, but I hope you can take comfort in the knowledge that you are loved, and that you shared that love with K.
Posted by: ina | Jun 1, 2006 4:41:02 PM
There are no words. My condolences to the whole family.
Posted by: Linkmeister | Jun 1, 2006 4:46:25 PM
I am so sorry, sweetie. Hugs all around. Drop a line anytime. You must feel pulled in 100 different directions right now, and shut out of half of them at the same time. I know you're in touch with your feelings enough to get through this, and we all love you too much to let you go through it alone. Just hold on.
http://www.rsafilms.com/spotPopupMovie.php?id=465&qual=1
xoxo,
-Desi
Posted by: Desi | Jun 1, 2006 5:11:12 PM
Toddles,
My heart goes out to you and especially Stef.
As someone who lost a brother to suicide, it is not hard for me to go back into that difficult time after Doug's death. Losing a sibling (and a parent losing a child) to suicide is an undescribeable loss...
as many have posted...there are never answers.
please be kind to yourself.
You and Stef especially are in my thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.
Posted by: Del | Jun 1, 2006 5:15:10 PM
Ohjeez, I'm sorry. All my condolences to you and Stef.
Posted by: Eli | Jun 1, 2006 5:33:29 PM
I'm sorry to hear of your loss NTodd. My condolensces to you, Stef, and all of her family. Be well.
Posted by: Philo | Jun 1, 2006 5:56:44 PM
Really, really horrible. I'm so sorry.
Take care of yourself, OK?
Posted by: Virginia | Jun 1, 2006 5:56:59 PM
NTodd, I am so very, very sorry. I lost a friend to suicide in college, and it haunts me to this day. Remember, as the wise souls above have already said, that there are no answers and no one is to blame. I'll simply add my prayers that K is now at peace, and that you, Stef, and your respective families and friends can find your own peace.
Posted by: jezebel | Jun 1, 2006 6:31:57 PM
NTodd,
My thoughts are with you. There's just nothing anyone can say but to say that we feel the shock, and will be around for anything you may want to say. Doesn't sound like much, but then what can? Take care, tell Stef, be strong when you can, puddle when you need to, come back when you're ready.
Posted by: catalexis | Jun 1, 2006 6:37:14 PM
Sending positive vibes to the whole family, brother. I hope everyone finds the Peace they need, as soon as possible.
Posted by: Ripley | Jun 1, 2006 6:38:50 PM
NTodd, I'm so sorry. I hope you'll come through everything soon. To have this all fall at once is a horrible thing, but it will eventually pass.
Posted by: Mary Jones | Jun 1, 2006 7:15:33 PM
Ah, NTodd. We're so sorry. Condolences.
Posted by: Thers | Jun 1, 2006 7:37:47 PM
I'm so, so sorry for you, Stef, and the rest of the family. So many others have offered good words and prayer for you right now-just let me add my voice to theirs.
Peace to you, when you can bear it.
God be with you.
Posted by: left rev. | Jun 1, 2006 8:14:43 PM
It saddens me to read how many of us here have lost a loved one to suicide... and now your wife and in-laws.
I am so very, very sorry, NTodd. We are thinking of you.
Posted by: Willow | Jun 1, 2006 8:19:18 PM
I just lost a good friend to suicide a week ago. Even if you knew the person was struggling, it is still a shock. Condolences to you, Stef and her family.
Posted by: Sandy-LA 90034 | Jun 1, 2006 8:47:03 PM
Still thinking of you. Music heals the soul.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSMXMv0noY4&search=Apocalypitca
xoxo,
Desi
Whenever you're able, maybe stop in and growl at us or sumpin'?
Posted by: Desi | Jun 1, 2006 9:02:33 PM
I'm so sorry, for you and for her family and for her.
Be well.
Posted by: julia | Jun 1, 2006 9:22:27 PM
My condolences to you, Stef, and the entire family.
Posted by: Gratis | Jun 1, 2006 10:25:23 PM
Just a Hug.
Posted by: Nancy | Jun 2, 2006 12:41:00 AM
My thoughts and prayers are with you and Stef. So very very sorry to hear this tragic news.
love to you both,
Kath
Posted by: Kath | Jun 2, 2006 12:50:57 AM
Sorry to hear about this Todd.
Take care.
Posted by: David (Austin Tx) | Jun 2, 2006 1:27:58 AM
NTodd, just to add my condolences and words of sorrow to all the others here ...
Posted by: sdf (Stu) | Jun 2, 2006 2:55:41 AM
NTodd,
My condolences to you and Stef's family. I am so very sorry.
Bless you, sweetie.
Posted by: Vicki, Who Loves Al Gore | Jun 2, 2006 9:56:39 AM
NTodd,
A hand on your shoulder, ever so light.
Posted by: Lenore | Jun 2, 2006 10:32:00 AM
I hold you and yours in the Light.
Posted by: Mustang Bobby | Jun 2, 2006 12:22:15 PM
NTodd,
Just picked up on this from a comment you made on Eschaton, I'm sorry my condolences are so late.
Hold fast friend.
Posted by: Barry from Alaska | Jun 4, 2006 2:58:34 PM
Buy me stuff off my 
