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Friday, June 16, 2006
Abandoned
That's three: lost my wife; lost my SIL; lost my mom. Yes, NTodd's Pa's Wife is dead--just over an hour ago. Dad and I are obviously completely distraught. He's got the cats to comfort him right now, and I'm going home first thing tomorrow AM. Blogging suspended indefinitely.
Never thought I'd be living this song so soon:
it was only one hour ago
it was all so different then
there’s nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
is just the way that we are tied in
now there's no-one homei grieve for you
you leave me
it’s so hard to move on
still loving what's gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and onthe news that truly shocks is the empty, empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty, empty cage
and i can't handle thisi grieve for you
and you leave melet it out and move on
missing what's gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and onlife carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone that's out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and onit’s just the car that we ride in
the home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and ondid i dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieve
Peace.
ntodd
June 16, 2006 | Permalink
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Comments
I'm so sorry. So sorry. May you have peace.
Posted by: Echidne of the snakes | Jun 16, 2006 12:17:33 AM
Oh, Jesus. I am so, so sorry.
Peace to you and your dad.
Posted by: Eli | Jun 16, 2006 12:17:34 AM
I'm sorry for your loss. Be well, and come back when you can.
-Jeff
Posted by: Jeffraham Prestonian | Jun 16, 2006 12:17:42 AM
Oh Todd. I'm so sorry.
Posted by: mena | Jun 16, 2006 12:17:43 AM
Jesus Todd.
Sorry.
Posted by: David (Austin Tx) | Jun 16, 2006 12:18:04 AM
My condolences, ntodd...may she rest in peace.
Posted by: Johnny Drama | Jun 16, 2006 12:19:52 AM
NTodd,
I am so, so sorry. Your mom raised a wondeful son. May the Goddess guard her. May she find her way to the Summerlnds. May her friends and family know peace. Let me know if there's anything I can do.
Posted by: Hecate | Jun 16, 2006 12:20:09 AM
all our thoughts are with you at this difficult time.
Posted by: mrs ibrahim al-jafaari | Jun 16, 2006 12:20:42 AM
Oh, NTodd.
There are no words to tell you how very sorry I am.
So very sorry.
I cry for you.
Posted by: left rev. | Jun 16, 2006 12:20:59 AM
Todd,
So, so, so sorry for your loss. We'll be here for you when you can post again. My thoughts will be with you and your Dad.
Posted by: Sandy-LA 90034 | Jun 16, 2006 12:21:21 AM
My dear friend who I have never met:
Mere words cannot begin to express the sorrow I feel at your loss.
Posted by: Chris Tucker | Jun 16, 2006 12:26:08 AM
NTodd,
My prayers are with you and your family.
Know that your blog family is giving you a big hug and sharing your tears
Posted by: Lil Red, Riding In The Hood | Jun 16, 2006 12:26:55 AM
Oh, NTodd, I'm so sorry! Words can do so little, but know that if I were with you in person, I give you the warmest hug in the world.
From what you've shared, I could tell you held her in deep affection. It doesn't help right now, I'm sure, but sharing the good she gave you will be the best memorial you can give her. By speaking of her, you've made a small place for her in our hearts, too.
May she have peace and joy in whatever place may come after, and may you and your dad in time again find peace in your souls.
Posted by: sister of ye | Jun 16, 2006 12:29:05 AM
Man, NTodd, I'm sorry.
I can't imagine anything that I could say or do to help, but if you can, let me know, and it's done.
Posted by: rorschach | Jun 16, 2006 12:29:37 AM
I echo chris tucker. You were so kind to me when I first started at Eschaton, no way to fully repay you. Please know I hold you and your dad in my heart and wish you whatever comfort I can. You've had much, too much, shit come your way these last few bits of time.
Love - truly, and you deserve so much better.
SD
Posted by: Sarah Deere | Jun 16, 2006 12:30:09 AM
Ntodd, if the impression of this person resulted in the person that you have become, she was very special indeed. Peace my friend. And if you need any legal help email me at: amicus4u2@hotmail.com
focus(ing) on you.
Posted by: focus | Jun 16, 2006 12:34:11 AM
NTodd:
I'm so very, very sorry for you and your dad. I got to know your mom a bit thru an email correspondence. She seemed such a warm and graceful woman.
My thoughts will be with you....
Posted by: flory | Jun 16, 2006 12:39:04 AM
{{{{{hugs}}}}} to you and Pa. If you need *anything* at all: culpaenator@gmail.com
It's such a shock. I'm so very sorry.
-Desi
Posted by: Desi | Jun 16, 2006 12:40:52 AM
I'm so, so sorry. I very much liked her posts on this blog.
It sounds like it was a complete shock for everyone. My thoughs are with you and your father.
Posted by: geoduck2 | Jun 16, 2006 12:47:26 AM
I'm sorry NTodd. This is a hard thing to go through. Be well. It took me months to find a new equilibrium. Be alone or find people. Whatever it takes.
Posted by: earl 'cliche' guevera | Jun 16, 2006 12:51:07 AM
It just have to be awful.
You be well friend, it's all part of life, and you know that. You have a head, they will always be in there.
Rest well friend.
Barry
Posted by: Barry from Alaska | Jun 16, 2006 12:51:23 AM
I'm so sorry, may you and your father find comfort and solace in each other. May you find the strength to get home and get through it all. Many of your friends and readers are surely wishing the same for you.
emma and Mr. emma
Posted by: emma | Jun 16, 2006 12:57:32 AM
mes sympathies NTodd, prend soin de toi
Posted by: plum p | Jun 16, 2006 1:07:08 AM
I am so sorry, NTodd. ((((hug))))
Posted by: librarydiane | Jun 16, 2006 1:10:25 AM
I'm so sorry. Lots of love and sympathy to you and your family. And please take care of yourself.
Posted by: Phila | Jun 16, 2006 1:10:43 AM
Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry.
Nothing we can say will help; but know that she'll always be with you. My father died last year, and I hear his voice every day.
Posted by: Ivytree | Jun 16, 2006 1:13:19 AM
Oh Todd..
I am so so sorry.
You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
Posted by: Del | Jun 16, 2006 1:15:10 AM
Prayers are with you,
Mark
Posted by: Mark | Jun 16, 2006 1:23:22 AM
My condolences. Take your time to get through your sadness.
Posted by: spiiderweb | Jun 16, 2006 1:25:02 AM
I am so so so very sorry to hear about your Mom.
Peace and prayers to you and your Dad.
Posted by: shayera | Jun 16, 2006 1:29:48 AM
Quietly, anonymously, a thousand wishes from a thousand friends will make their way your father's way on Sunday, Father's Day.
Posted by: WalterNeff | Jun 16, 2006 1:36:01 AM
oh my god. peace be with you and your father.
Posted by: The CultureGhost | Jun 16, 2006 1:36:07 AM
I am so sorry Todd. One of those three things is so sad- three is overwhelmingly so. Know that you have a lot of people- me included sending you warm vibes. When you are ready come back.
Posted by: paida | Jun 16, 2006 1:39:52 AM
I hold you in my heart. May you find strength in all the love she gave you and in all the love that's pouring in to hold you up. There are so many of us here who will do anything to help you and your family. Take care of yourself and ask for help whenever you need it.
Love,
Ina
Posted by: ina | Jun 16, 2006 1:58:41 AM
Brah.
Fucked up doesn't even come close. I'm so sorry.
Peace. . .
Posted by: munkihaid | Jun 16, 2006 1:59:48 AM
Oh God, NTodd, I'm so very sorry. Your mother was a truly special human being, as are you. May she rest in peace; may you and your father find comfort in each other and in those dear to you who offer help. You know how to reach all of us one way or another if there is something specific we can do; meanwhile, know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Steve Bates | Jun 16, 2006 2:23:32 AM
NTodd,
I'm so sorry to hear this sad news. Children are always too young to lose their mothers. You and your family are in my thoughts. --res
Posted by: res ipsa loquitur | Jun 16, 2006 2:24:36 AM
Criminy - sorry pal. Take care of your dad and don't forget yourself. There's a whole community here for whatever support you need. Ask and it shall be given.
Posted by: JeffCO | Jun 16, 2006 3:02:44 AM
Oh no. N, my thoughts and hearts are with you. All that is so much to bear. And you have had enough of it. tempus fugit.
Posted by: lea-p | Jun 16, 2006 3:07:51 AM
Man. I am so sorry.
Posted by: Linkmeister | Jun 16, 2006 3:17:23 AM
NTodd,
You, your father and the rest of your family are in my thoughts. I am truly sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Matti | Jun 16, 2006 3:50:34 AM
My condolences to both you and your father. I'm truly sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Kav | Jun 16, 2006 3:52:43 AM
Come back when you can. In times of great stress, the best wishes and strength of both friends and lurkers will help you. Wishing you all the best.
Posted by: northsylvania | Jun 16, 2006 3:56:03 AM
Oh Todd... I'm so sorry.
Posted by: Gideon S. | Jun 16, 2006 5:59:48 AM
Oh, dear NTodd, I am so sorry. Grieve, reminisce, and take care of yourself and your Dad and come back when you can.
Posted by: Missouri Bird | Jun 16, 2006 6:18:17 AM
NTodd, I am so sorry -- this is awful for you. My prayers are with you.
Posted by: Nora | Jun 16, 2006 6:23:15 AM
I'm at a loss, and any words I could formulate would be small comfort anyway. But I wish comfort and strength for you and your dad.
Posted by: jac | Jun 16, 2006 6:35:18 AM
I'm so sorry to hear this.
Posted by: M.K. | Jun 16, 2006 7:00:59 AM
Oh god, I'm so sorry. It's a total shock to read that. I wish I had better words, but condolences and best of luck to you.
Posted by: Scooter | Jun 16, 2006 7:18:00 AM
NTodd, I'm thinking of you and your family.
Posted by: Mustang Bobby | Jun 16, 2006 7:26:37 AM
So sorry to hear about this, NTodd. Our condolences to you and your family.
Posted by: evening | Jun 16, 2006 7:27:10 AM
I am so sorry NTodd; from reading her posts and from "knowing" you she must have been an amazing woman. May you and your father find some peace during this time. If you need anything at all just reach out there are many who are here to help. ((Hugs))
Posted by: rugo | Jun 16, 2006 7:27:41 AM
Sorry man.
Posted by: Alex | Jun 16, 2006 7:42:50 AM
Thers & I are so sorry. Be well.
Posted by: NYMary | Jun 16, 2006 8:18:20 AM
Oh nTodd, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It's an impossibly difficult loss to bear. But please know that there are people out here who care for you and wish you and your father much love and strength.
Posted by: OyToTheWorld | Jun 16, 2006 8:19:34 AM
So sorry for your loss.
May you and your Dad find some peace and solace during this difficult time.
Posted by: dms | Jun 16, 2006 8:19:37 AM
I'm so sorry to hear that. I doubt it offers any comfort, but I really wish you and your Pa all the best. So so so sorry. We'll be here for you when you're ready to come back to us.
Posted by: mg | Jun 16, 2006 8:22:15 AM
Todd,
Words are not enough to express how sorry I am for you and your family.
Your mother was an wonderful woman, and she blessed the world with her presence.
You have my love.
Posted by: watertiger | Jun 16, 2006 8:46:41 AM
My sympathies, NTodd, to you and to your father.
I know this has been a rough time for you, but please hang in there. We need you.
Diane
Posted by: Diane | Jun 16, 2006 8:53:48 AM
We're all thinking about you, man.
So sorry.
Posted by: Jay C. | Jun 16, 2006 8:54:38 AM
Peace out, my condolences.
"We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion."
Posted by: BlakNo1 | Jun 16, 2006 8:56:46 AM
My sincerest condolences.
Cas
so much to lose.
Posted by: cassie-b | Jun 16, 2006 9:02:18 AM
Everyone else had said it all.
Please just remember right now that you are loved. Come back to us when you can.
Posted by: Silleigh | Jun 16, 2006 9:15:43 AM
Oh, NTodd, there are no words. Know that you are held in love within this community, and that many thoughts and prayers are with you and your dad. Peace to you, and goddess bless.
Posted by: Green | Jun 16, 2006 9:18:51 AM
Aww, NTodd, I'm so sorry, for you and your dad. {{{{HUGS}}}}}
Posted by: kc | Jun 16, 2006 9:19:02 AM
Oh my god... I am so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself, your dad, and the boys. We're all here for you for anything you need.
Posted by: Charlotte Smith (nee Beavers) | Jun 16, 2006 9:34:55 AM
NTodd,
My condolences on your loss. It is in these difficult times that we take comfort in the many happy memories we have of our lost loved ones.
Posted by: Kid Charlemagne | Jun 16, 2006 9:41:10 AM
Oh my God, NTodd. I am so very, very sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your father.
Posted by: jezebel | Jun 16, 2006 9:47:37 AM
Words fail me...
Posted by: FeralLiberal | Jun 16, 2006 9:48:14 AM
Please accept my heartfelt sympathy - you must be as kind and gentle to yourself and your Dad as you can. Try to see through the sharp pain and to the support you have.
Posted by: bbbustard | Jun 16, 2006 9:50:47 AM
I'm so sorry for your loss, NTodd. Be good to yourself, whatever it takes. We'll be here when you are better. My condolences to you and your father.
Posted by: Redcane | Jun 16, 2006 9:56:03 AM
I am so sorry for your Loss. Take care of yourself and your Dad. I pray for you and your Family. Hugs, e.,
Posted by: eva | Jun 16, 2006 10:01:20 AM
Todd,
Sending you my love and sympathy. So sorry to hear about your Mom. She must have been amazing to have raised you. My best to your Dad as well.
Posted by: Anne CB | Jun 16, 2006 10:03:03 AM
"A Glimpse of the Eternal"
Just now,
a sparrow lighted
on a pine bough
right outside
my bedroom window
and a puff
of yellow pollen
flew away.
by Ted Kooser
With my sympathy to you, your family, and all those who love your mother.
Posted by: cardamom | Jun 16, 2006 10:23:08 AM
Really sorry, Todd.
Posted by: J.D Ryan | Jun 16, 2006 10:42:18 AM
Oh my god, I'm sorry. A blow upon a bruise.
Peace and hugs.
Posted by: mnkid | Jun 16, 2006 10:47:34 AM
sorry ntodd. my sympathies.
Posted by: moi | Jun 16, 2006 10:50:13 AM
NTodd I am so sorry. I'll be thinking of you. Please take care.
Posted by: scout prime | Jun 16, 2006 10:54:20 AM
Sorry for your loss, ntodd, and for your family's. May your pain pass and your memories last forever.
Posted by: Osprey | Jun 16, 2006 10:55:05 AM
Ntodd,
I'm very sorry. May god bless and keep you in this hard time.
Posted by: matt | Jun 16, 2006 10:55:27 AM
Our whole community is with you and your dad.
Posted by: vetfordean | Jun 16, 2006 11:02:13 AM
and we'll be hoisting one here for your ma.
our condolences.
stay strong brother.
Posted by: Hubris Sonic | Jun 16, 2006 11:06:57 AM
Take care of yourself.
Really.
.
Posted by: spork_incident | Jun 16, 2006 11:12:41 AM
Hang in there, NTodd. I don't visit you here often enough but you are one of my favorite people on the internets.
Posted by: Anonymous Bosch | Jun 16, 2006 11:15:11 AM
my condolences to you and your family
Posted by: DemByDefault | Jun 16, 2006 11:17:49 AM
Todd,
I am so very sorry for you and your Pa. My heart aches for you. You are such a special person, such a beacon of inspiration for so many people...please know that you are loved. Do not hesitate to call on me if I can do anything for you.
Peace be with you, sweetie.
Posted by: Vicki Stein | Jun 16, 2006 11:22:45 AM
My deepest condolences, NTodd.
Posted by: Elayne Riggs | Jun 16, 2006 11:25:03 AM
Oh. Fuck.
I only 'knew' her through her comments, and what she imparted to you, through you. She seemed like such a wonderful, warm, funny and caring person.
She and your Pa did a wonderful job with you, don't forget that.
And, as you are sadly discovering, there are no rules to grieving: just do what comes naturally. Catatonia, screaming, crying, yelling, cursing, what feels 'right' to do at that time.
My deepest empathies.
Posted by: Buckeye, Dealer of Rare Coins | Jun 16, 2006 11:25:06 AM
I don't know what to say but I'm sorry for your loss, and I wish you peace and better days.
Posted by: doncjesuis | Jun 16, 2006 11:30:25 AM
I am so terribly sorry for your loss.
My deepest sympathy to you and your father. Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you.
Posted by: four legs good | Jun 16, 2006 11:31:03 AM
NTodd
All our thoughts are with you. All flesh is grass.
Posted by: jim shirk | Jun 16, 2006 11:34:15 AM
My condolences NTodd.
Posted by: Moonbootica | Jun 16, 2006 11:39:56 AM
My condolences to you and your Father. Be strong and I hope you can find peace.
Posted by: The Old Man From Scene 24 | Jun 16, 2006 11:45:23 AM
Todd,
I'm so sorry. Keep your head up, keep your appointments and keep working. It's good that you can be there for your father.
Thinking of you,
-Mark
Posted by: MarkS | Jun 16, 2006 11:51:21 AM
My condolences, NTodd.
Write when you can. We're all thinking of you.
Posted by: Interrobang | Jun 16, 2006 11:54:59 AM
My sympathies to both you and your dad. She sounded like a wonderful woman.
Posted by: attaturk | Jun 16, 2006 11:55:18 AM
i do not know you, i came here thro spork.
i felt i should wish you well and peace. i have had strangers come to my blog to wish me well in bad times and so i will pass the wish on to you.
Posted by: sherry | Jun 16, 2006 12:03:54 PM
Peace.
Posted by: K. Ron Silkwood | Jun 16, 2006 12:16:33 PM
Todd words are inadequate.
Just know that you have my deepest sympathy and condolences to you and your Dad.
The Dead Woman by Pablo Neruda.
"If suddenly you do not exist,if suddenly you no longer live,I shall live on.
I do not dare,I do not dare to write it,if you die.
I shall live on. For where a man has no voice, there, my voice.
Where blacks are beaten,I cannot be dead.
When my brothers go to prison I shall go with them.
When victory,not my victory,but the great victory comes,even though I am mute I must speak;I shall see it come even though I am blind.
No, forgive me.
If you no longer live,if you, beloved, my love,if you have died, all the leaves will fall in my breast,it will rain on my soul night and day, the snow will burn my heart,I shall walk with frost and fire and death and snow,my feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping, but I shall stay alive,because above all things you wanted me indomitable,and, my love, because you know that I am not only man but all mankind."
La Muerta by Pablo Neruda
"Si de pronto no existes, si de pronto no vives,
yo seguiré viviendo.
No me atrevo, no me atrevo a escribirlo, si te mueres.
Yo seguiré viviendo.
Porque donde no tiene voz un hombre allí, mi voz.
Donde los negros sean apaleados,yo no puedo estar muerto.
Cuando entren en la cárcel mis hermanos, entraré yo con ellos.
Cuando la victoria, no mi victoria, sino la gran Victoria llegue, aunque esté mudo debo hablar:
yo la veré llegar aunque esté ciego.
No,perdóname.
Si tú no vives,si tú, querida, amor mío, si tú
te has muerto,
Todas las hojas caerán en mi pecho,lloverá sobre mi alma noche y día,la nieve quemará mi corazón,
andaré con frío y fuego y muerte y nieve,mis pies querrán marchar hacia donde tú duermes, pero seguiré vivo,porque tú me quisiste sobre todas las cosas indomable,y, amor, porque tú sabes que soy no sólo un hombre sino todos los hombres."
Posted by: HoneyBearKelly | Jun 16, 2006 12:20:24 PM
NTodd, there really aren't words for this. I can't imagine the pain you are going through right now. I am so sorry. I can only hope you someday find peace in this world.
Posted by: Mary Jones | Jun 16, 2006 12:25:54 PM
Buy me stuff off my 
