« Friday Catblogging | Main | Life Is Good »
Friday, August 20, 2004
Mental Health
CNN:
Jane Pauley, whose highly anticipated syndicated talk show debuts August 30, reveals she was treated for bipolar disorder in her new memoir, "Skywriting: A Life Out of the Blue."
...
By the time she was hospitalized at New York Hospital in the spring of 2001, the bipolar condition (often called manic depression) was clear to Pauley. "My tides were fluctuating -- back and forth -- sometimes so fast they seemed to be spinning."Pauley says she's now free of mood swings thanks to her treatment and to lithium -- and writing her memoir has also been cathartic.
A few of my readers already know this: I have suffered from clinical depression for a very long time. I took Prozac several years ago, went off it for about 7 years, and have recently gone back on "Vitamin P" out of necessity. In part, the purpose of the Summer of NTodd was to give me a chance to re-adjust to the medication, overcome its early side effects (dry mouth and sleep disruption...ugh!), and in general just get a break from the stressors that pushed me back into the abyss.
This last bout of depression actually started around January of 2003 (likely earlier) and I simply denied it was happening for about 18 months. I chalked what I was experiencing up to a mid-life crisis, or work stress, or even a thyroid condition. Fortunately I've got a supportive wife and parents (and animal companions!), and I work for a great company that is as concerned about the well-being of its people as it is making a profit, so I was able to take the time I need to get things back on track.
One of the things that has always annoyed me about mental health problems is that even today, there still is a stigma associated with them. Break a leg, or get cancer, or whatever, and people understand. Tell them you're depressed, and they wonder why won't you just get over it? Psychology, psychiatry and our understanding of brain chemistry has come a long way, but society still hasn't caught up.
If Jane Pauley can go public about her issues, so can I. Thus I am announcing to my vast audience that I suffer from depression. I'm no celebrity, but maybe if all of us speak out about these important health issues, our nation can address the problems more effectively.
Besides, doesn't mental illness usually coincide with great genius? ;-)
ntodd
PS--As I was trying to explain to Stef yesterday, Prozac doesn't make you happy all the time or anything. It does, however, modulate your mood and take the edge off of life so you can address things without an overwhelming sense of gloom. Stuff can still make you irritable or sad, but you can deal with shit a lot easier. Ironically, Prozac can also lower inhibitions...
August 20, 2004 | Permalink
TrackBack
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.typepad.com/services/trackback/6a00d8341c525c53ef00d83465636e69e2
Listed below are links to weblogs that reference Mental Health:
Comments
Very courageous, ntodd. Thanks for sharing your story. I think the way these things get de-stigmatized is by people standing up, one by one, and naming and claiming their truth ... for their own sakes, and for the sakes of those who still hide in the shadows. Good for you.
Posted by: Penny | Aug 20, 2004 6:50:06 PM
Hey, ya learn something new every day. It's an interesting thing to learn about you, ntodd, because your online persona is rather ebullient. (You're pretty cheerful in person too, if I recall correctly from our limited encounters.)
I've seen depression, but not the clinical kind. I've also been wicked stressed out at times, but never to the point of being debilitated by it. I bet I'm not the only one who has sometimes wished, however morbidly, that my emotions would tip decisively in the direction of something clinical so I could go get some meds and say, "problem solved." But those who actually suffer clinically know that the difference between their experience and the experience of someone who's prone to getting into a funk is quite significant indeed.
Your impressions of Prozac jibe with what I've heard from someone close to me--that it's no "happy pill," but that it simply strips the depression of a large part of its power so that you can chip away at challenges rather than be crushed by them.
Thanks for the post.
Posted by: Spine | Aug 20, 2004 7:00:53 PM
As I've grown older, I've learned that which does not kill you does not make you stronger; rather, it merely breaks, sickens, or cripples you and you've got to live with it for the rest of your life.
I've also learned that grown-ups do not have everything under control.
And I've learned that true compassion requires one to slog through, mop up, wipe down, and generally do a lot of laundry.
...cheers!
Posted by: Darryl Pearce | Aug 20, 2004 7:27:00 PM
Penny - thanks very much. I admit my heart raced as I wrote this post. I really had to think hard about hitting "publish" (my mom will probably think I'm crazy! heh.). In the end I decided it was important.
Spine - "ebullient". I like that better than my own self-description: hyper!
Yeah, I'd bet that most people would be surprised to hear this. Most people would say I'm hyper. I am. My students see me as the energetic, passionate guy at the front of the class--my coworkers see the same. When I'm in front of an audience, the adrenaline or whatever helps me work into a sort of manic state (but it's clear I don't fit the bipolar profile), so I can perform when necessary. I just crash--hard--when I'm done.
That's why I also describe myself as a misanthrope, even though it's not entirely accurate. I like people, but I have to retreat to recharge--simple things like going to dinner with friends is exhausting. Classic Myers-Briggs Introvert. My ability to be highly-functional, unfortunately, has only had a tendency to mask the issues.
Awareness is key, which is why I decided to be open about this. There might just be another person out there who reads this and experiences a watershed moment and seeks treatment.
Posted by: NTodd | Aug 20, 2004 7:33:09 PM
I've learned that true compassion requires one to slog through, mop up, wipe down, and generally do a lot of laundry.
Shit, that reminds me: I really need to do laundry. I've got a birthday party to go to tomorrow...
Posted by: NTodd | Aug 20, 2004 7:39:10 PM
Hey nTodd,
Thanks for sharing. Another four years of Bushco, and we'll all need Prozac.
I've also been on semi-sabbatical after I stopped drinking again and it was far more devastating than I expected.
There are days I long to be a little more like others, happier, dumber, smoother, less informed, not hobbled by my ideals and integrity. Not many, but a few.
And days I feel like I'm schizophrenic. Oh, no I'm not.
Anyway, blogging is good therapy.
Posted by: Aeolus | Aug 20, 2004 7:43:21 PM
Another four years of Bushco, and we'll all need Prozac.
No doubt!
Gotta say, that "they should take Prozac" comment from the BushCo person really pissed me off. Shows exactly how "compassionate" the "conservatives" in power really are...
Posted by: NTodd | Aug 20, 2004 7:49:26 PM
*hugs*
Posted by: Medley | Aug 20, 2004 9:12:35 PM
Anybody who says to someone who's depressed (clinically or not) "why don't you just get over it?" should be flogged around the town square, tarred and feathered, and ridden out of town on a rail. Unfortunately, I don't get to make the rules on that count, and the attutide I'm deriding is fairly common among Americans. I've never gotten to a clinical level myself (though I think I flirted with it awfully closely in the spring semester of my first year at UIUC: I was grieving the back-to-back losses, one quite sudden, of two dear friends, I was hours away from everyone I knew, and things weren't going well at school, all of which combined to make it next to impossible for me to get out of bed some days) but I know enough about what it looks like and how it feels to know that it isn't something that one just snaps out of.
I wouldn't have pegged you for depressed, NTodd. "Ebullient" is a good word for you. But even in the midst of the dumps, it's possible to have "up" moments, and when you're dealing with a collection of electrons whizzing through space it's harder to catch the little signs.
I'm also an introvert on the Myers-Briggs scale, though my introversion is only moderate. If I were to take the test in the midst of a get-together of my college friends, I'd probably max out on the extravert scale. Same for my J/P metric: personally, I'm a classic P. But at the office, or when I was working emergency at the local hospital and accuracy was vital, I'd have scored as J as the tightest anal retentive. My N and F scores, on the other hand, are off the charts. Gotta maintain my reputation for anomaly somehow! d8-9
Be well, and shout if there's anything I can do.
Posted by: Michael | Aug 20, 2004 9:28:47 PM
Ah, well, me too. I've been in a persistent chronic depression for nearly 7 years. My doctor and I keep trying to fine-tune the medications. And I've even thought about entering a clinical study for an implanted transvagal nerve stimulator. (That should make preflight security checks fun.)
No two bouts of depression are alike. That's for sure. And it's really hard for people "on the outside" to understand, no matter how sympathetic they may be.
The strange thing is that my depression has dramatically improved my sense of humor. Seriously, it really has. On the other hand, it has completely nullified my ability to parallel park. Not a bad tradeoff though.
Good luck and happy endorphins to all.
Posted by: Miss Authoritiva | Aug 20, 2004 10:08:13 PM
I'm with ya. I've been taking Paxil for about 10 years now for depression and Social Anxiety Disorder. It appears that so many people are taking anti-depressants that the stigma attached to it is wearing down. However, the newest object of scorn is Social Anxiety Disporder (oh, you're shy? and you need drugs to overcome shyness? what a loser).
On CounterPunch, there is a long, extremely sympathetic article about the football player Ricky Williams (Run, Ricky, Run)and what he's gone through concerning antidepressants and pot, and the NFL. But sure enough, smack in the middle of it, is a snotty, demeaning comment about SAD.
*Sigh*
I gotta wonder what's up with this bullsh*t that even left-wing writers have to pile on concerning mental health issues.
Posted by: vachon | Aug 20, 2004 10:14:55 PM
Have you read Listening to Prozac? If you haven't I recommend it.
I went off Prozac five years ago - the year my daughter was born - but hardly a day goes by when I wonder if I would be better off if the serotonin intake was a little more controlled.
Posted by: elvis56 | Aug 20, 2004 10:38:53 PM
Michael - your suggested treatment sounds a bit harsh, but I'm willing to experiment on the next person who says "get over it". In the name of science, of course.
Miss A - yeah, humor seems to be a part of it for me. My favorite joke: the great thing about being depressed is at least you get your sleep! (Although in my case, I didn't get any sleep, but I get the joke all the same.)
vachon - not to change the subject, but I got totally turned off by CounterPunch last year--not sure why, but they just started annoying me. As for Ricky Williams, I had no idea!
elvis - No, but I read Beyond Prozac back in '97. I learned a lot from it--I'll check out Listening. Thanks for the tip.
Posted by: NTodd | Aug 20, 2004 11:14:13 PM
Well, OK, maybe we could skip the flogging part. But we're not talking about a mere etiquette lapse here, we're talking about someone being completely insensitive to a human being in some kind of pain. That rates right around pushing ducks into water, kicking dogs, and taking candy from babies in my book. If we let it slide, they'll just do it again. Maybe a good, swift kick in the 'nads the first time would help?
Posted by: Michael | Aug 21, 2004 12:01:33 AM
Here I am, late to the party as usual. But first, after I read your post, NTodd, I had to play a dozen hands of Solitaire to allow my thoughts to coalesce...
I'm with Michael on this one. People who have not experienced clinical depression (yes, I am one who has) simply don't know, and they should just STFU. It seems that the hardest thing for non-depressed people to understand is that depression is not necessarily in response to an external cause. Indeed, for me, it rarely is. It's just there, and we have to find a way to deal with it.
At its worst, unmedicated, depression has a persistent physical reality comparable to, say, a ruptured disc in one's back... yes, I've experienced that also, twice, so I'm not just making that analogy up. Depression and slipped discs have disrupted every aspect of my daily life in their turn; it is unfair of people to distinguish between them based on some archaic prejudice.
I've self-medicated with St. John's Wort for years; it actually helps me, when I remember to take it regularly. Like Prozac and most of the others, it has to be taken for a few weeks to have an effect; unlike the prescription meds, there's no adjustment period that I can detect. On the other hand, it's probably not strong enough for severe depression. Everyone seems to be different; I'm so sensitive to most prescription drugs that I'm afraid to try the "real" antidepressants. And you're right; they're not "happy pills." They just put a floor underneath my state of being, below which I cannot sink. That's worth a lot.
Miss Authoritiva is right about humor. It both helps with, and is a byproduct of, depression. You don't think I started writing doggerel because of a creative writing class, do you?
NTodd, thanks for "coming out." You helped us all to talk about it, and I hope and presume it helped you as well. Please continue to favor us with your genius :) as often as you are able!
(I have to offer some doggerel I wrote in 2001...)
Anti-, Anti-, Oh, You Know!
WHAT Dem's in the Senate? Not one of them's making
In any small part of this godawful mess a dent...
Excuse me a moment; I've got to be taking
My new medication... an antidepresident!
- SB the YDD
Posted by: Steve Bates | Aug 21, 2004 1:00:59 AM
One of my family is on Prozac and I am so grateful. More even keel, less terrible emotional dungeons, less fear and guilt on my part.
You have lost nothing in discussing this, NTodd, and gained much. You have not weakened your resolve but gained us who understand and have been there.
You are appreciated even more.
P.S. Your work (both blog and photos) expresses such depth and joy of life, it is a quest that will nurture many.
Posted by: ellroon | Aug 21, 2004 2:53:35 AM
I've been thinking about this post all evening, gathering my thoughts on what to say.
I come from a family with both clinical depression and bi-polar disease in our history. Two of my siblings are bi-polar, one of them severe. (Psychotic episodes, voices, mania) And, like you, I've suffered from depression most of my life.
I think you are very brave to write about this. I hope you'll feel less alone for doing so. It's a physical condition, and yet one can't casually discuss it as if it were heart disease or asthma. And like someone said above, those on the outside can't comprehend just how terrible it can be.
It's not like having the blues, or being sad. I told a friend once, "imagine the worst day of your life, when you're completely bummed out because your wife left you and your dog died... then multiply it by 1000. Those are my black days."
Anyway, I wish you luck and good health. I don't do well on anti-depressants but I've found B-6 really helps me (I take 200mg at least once a day.) Regular excercise helps as well, so I'm glad you're back on your bike. Petting animals is good for your seratonin levels.
On the positive side, you're correct- depression and bi-polar disease tend to have a high correlation with high intelligence and creativity. So you're in good company. ;-)
Posted by: fourlegsgood | Aug 21, 2004 3:00:41 AM
I'm "supposed" to take Lithium. I don't. Fortunately recent research shoes that, despite received wisdom, it can be ok for a bipolar person to take anti-sad pills without having to take anti-happy pills.
Current regimen: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Buspar, Klonopin (that is, in fact, how the brand name is spelled), and Concerta. Put them all together and... I seem to do OK. Without them...
I've been taking meds since my teenage years. My family, who does not get them at all, often try to get me to go off my meds -- which is morbidly funny, since so many people feel the urge to go off meds and then off themselves (their friends and family should be united in making sure they take their meds).
I would say I feel happy now, and that's how I feel most of the time. But I *know* what it feels like to want to kill yourself, and I understand it. That's not me. But it could be, if I let myself slip. Terrible to know, while you're a stable, "happy" person, that you could turn into your own murderer.
Depression is no joke, and the mortailty rate is high. Fear it, respect it, treat it, no matter what the people around you say.
Posted by: ADPR | Aug 21, 2004 4:13:19 AM
NTodd, you know where I come in on this. Just know that I am nodding and agreeing with you and hope you got what you needed this summer.
I found that turning to creation - writing, especially - is a great outlet for me; I've written almost 200 pages this summer. Others find it in other ways. Whatever works as long as it helps.
You're in the Light, NTodd.
Posted by: Mustang Bobby | Aug 21, 2004 8:18:43 AM
I am constantly amazed by the number of people I encounter who are on Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, etc. What is even more amazing is that some apply the "pull yourself together" crap.... don't they hear all these "confessions", too?
Mr. Andante has been on Zoloft for years. After years of denial, I've finally admitted to myself that I've experienced long bouts with depression, too; and like Steve, have found St. John's Wort beneficial.
You are not alone, by a long shot.
Posted by: andante | Aug 21, 2004 8:36:37 AM
Brave. Nice post.
Posted by: ndc | Aug 21, 2004 1:59:41 PM
Yoga is very good for the body and for the mind. I have always been a big fan of exercise in any form as an anti-depressant. I recently have become a yoga convert, and I can't over-emphasize the positive impact on the brain and the body. Try it, it can change your life.
Posted by: KissyO | Aug 21, 2004 8:39:39 PM
I'm another Prozac user. Let me recommend Against Depression the follow-on to .
And remember what a doctor friend told me when I said I didn't like the idea of being on Prozac for life: "What would you say to a diabetic who didn't want to stay on insulin once it has resolved their diabetes?"
Posted by: Charlie (Colorado) | Jun 15, 2006 4:18:43 PM
Buy me stuff off my 
